Post first written in 2016 in another blog of mine, I still think it's relevant and worth sharing.
I have been a doer for most of my life. Three years ago a series of misfortunes, unsuccesses, major disappointments, all happening one after the other got me so down I stopped being me, the doer, the proactive woman excited about projects and adventures. It has taken me a while to actually realise this. It took me the last few months to come to terms with something that was in the back of my mind haunting me: I had indeed changed, not a doer anymore. I had changed for the worse as far as I am concerned. As of now writing, elaborating thoughts about this is very painful and disheartening. I don't know what to do exactly. I know the point A, which is the person I was before, the Doer, and I know the point B, the person I am now, the not so active anymore. I don't know how to travel back to point A. I remember the person I was before. I loved the person I was before. Again this is not to say I don't like the person I am now. It is to say I miss a big part of myself, much like the feeling of being lost. I have lost a big part of my identity over the course of the past few years. This transition has taken its time to happen, so slowly I couldn't even feel it while it was happening. I started "noticing" I was not myself anymore after a couple of years. Not in a starstruck moment of the sort, just by looking back at some old projects of mine, left unfinished in some remote corners of my bedroom back at my parent's house. There was a tangible passion in those papers, in those photographs. A moving force setting my mind of fire.
What to do when you change for the worse?
For a moment, while looking at those living memories and projects, the strength of the past came back to me. I felt as if I was that person again. I realised I was not that person anymore when I put those projects back in the boxes and left. As soon as I left them behind, I detected the lack of flame in my every move, the lack of fire in my thoughts. Just boredom and resignation. How could I be so blind? How could i let go of myself so easily? And yet, i kept going, without looking back. Without putting enough thoughts and reflections upon what i had just felt. I feel so angry about this. How could i treat myself with so little respect for my passions and my drive? I think i truly disrespected my younger self in the time spent between then and now, now that i am putting this "on paper" if you will. I don't want to just stay here and insult myself because the events of the last three years were really painful and took serious tolls on me. My lack of Activeness of the past few years was due to real problems that i only now, and gratefully so, have finally been able to solve. I made my peace with my past and i will not look back on those. I want to move forward, now more than ever. I will take inspiration from the strongest woman, besides my mother, i know, me. Or better, my younger self. The fearless and kind person i used to be. I know this may as well sound really braggy but i am very far from that person now and i look up to that person with admiration as i feel it is about two different persons. I have acquired a good amount of extra knowledge during these past few years and i want to embark on a journey of self-discovery once again, using the things i now know better than before. I want to go back to my younger self-heart with my semi-grown up mind and find back that drive i used to have. A lot of things got me down and turned off my enthusiasm for everything surrounding me, as much as i tried to deny it to myself. I will take back that drive and in order to do so, I have to assign myself some creative homework, with no days off.
I am still listing my ideas on how to change for the best once again. Please if you have any suggestions on this journey you may have been through to too, let them down below.